The Importance of Self-Compassion

Try a little tenderness… for yourself.

by Jae Steele, MACP, RP

When working with clients, I am continually listening for signs that they have experience with, or even just an understanding of, self-compassion. Many of us grew up with criticism as a supposed motivator, but was it actually helpful? On occasion, I notice myself in session offering a client the reflection, “If being hard on yourself was effective for change, it probably would be working by now, wouldn’t it?”

So I ask you, what is your internal monologue like? When you face a challenge, do you blame yourself and say things like, “I’m such an idiot!” or “I can never get this right”? Or do you give yourself some grace by taking a slow breath and reminding yourself that you are working with the tools you have and that the challenge may require a different kind of effort or even some outside help? Working with a psychotherapist you trust and feel comfortable with can help you make your self-talk friendlier.

The funny thing about compassion is that we often reserve it for those around us, giving it more freely to friends than to ourselves. (We can also have limited amounts of it for someone in very close proximity to us – like a partner or child who is frustrating us – but that’s perhaps a topic for another blog.) Additionally, I know I’m not alone in occasionally going down a path of self-critical thinking, where I hold up my successes and “failures” against a composite of three or four other people I admire, and deem myself a failure by comparison. Whoever declared that comparison is the thief of joy was not wrong. Remembering that everyone – yes, everyone – has setbacks, and that difficulties in life are a human experience that unite us, colours our thinking with a bit more compassion for ourselves.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion means responding to yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience you might offer someone you care about. It doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility or ignoring areas where you want to grow. Instead, self-compassion allows us to acknowledge difficulty, mistakes, and limitations without adding unnecessary judgment or shame.

Self-compassion is vital to feeling more authentically yourself. It also strengthens your relationships with others because the more in touch you are with yourself, the more authentic presence you can offer—and the more fully you can both give and receive connection. If this is an aspect of yourself you’d like to develop, I encourage you to explicitly name it to your therapist and to those around you who might support this shift. As a starting point, your therapist can introduce you to the Self-Compassion Scale, a clinical measure that can help you reflect on different aspects of self-compassion. Psychotherapists in Ontario aren’t permitted to diagnose, but clinical measures can still provide helpful information and support therapeutic conversations. You can also explore the self-compassion test independently here. (https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/).

Ultimately, shifting toward a more compassionate internal dialogue is not about ignoring your flaws, but about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer another. By replacing harsh criticism with grace, you create a sustainable foundation for growth and a more genuine way of existing in the world. Self-compassion is a valuable lens through which we can do therapeutic work, and every small act of self-kindness is a step toward a more connected and fulfilling life.

When Might Therapy Help?

If persistent self-criticism, shame, anxiety, or difficulty accepting yourself is affecting your day-to-day life, psychotherapy can provide a supportive space to explore these patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself. Looking to book a therapy appointment with Jae Steele, visit her online schdule HERE.